the gluten free authority

Have I told you how much I hate buying gluten free food? If it’s a pre-made thing that I can immediately put in my mouth and stop being hungry and grumpy, then it’s ok. I don’t mind sliding my debit in and paying the good people who make things I can eat safely.

It’s the “pantry essentials” - god I feel old typing that - that kill me. Case in point - a giant bag of gluten free oats. Of course I can’t eat regular oats. They are about .99$ for a lifetime supply. Nope, there are trace amounts of danger in there so I only eat the ones specifically marked gluten free. The ones that are 10$ for a bag. GULP. Mega ugh UNFAIR gulp. Thank you Bob’s Red Mill for making oats possible but for that price can you at least slide in a golden ticket in every 100th bag, one that would give a lucky winner a tour of your factory and then give them the entire business? It’s just so crazy that it could happen. Right? (Oh Roald Dahl, you made my adult life so f-cking dull.)

So, I slam the bag of oats into the basket and right then, it was CRISP SEASON all up in this bitch/kitchen. Started with a plum crisp - slippery yellow plums picked off a tree that morning - and boy howdy, it was SOUR. I served it with some vanilla yogurt as a “tart” dish but let’s get real. Sour is sour is sour is a lesson learned. Check your fruit before you bake with it to make sure the sweetness levels aren’t pucker-ish.

Round two was a black cherry crisp. I have a minor love affair with all things cherry and these babies were local, juicy and stained my fingernails a nice homeless dark black. Instead of hunting down a cherry pitter, I was advised by my gals at The Larks Nest to just do it by hand. Sitting at my kid’s colouring table while the boys played poker Friday night I used a paring knife and got 4 cups of cherries separated from their pits like a minor CHAMP.

What I pulled out of the oven 45 minutes later was a majestic triumph. Juicy chunks of cherries with a nice bite to them topped with crispy clusters of oats and brown sugar. It is a real testament to my willpower that there is still any left in the fridge.

Here’s the recipe I used (subbing in Bob’s Red Mill gluten free all purpose flour & gluten free oats.) Go f-cking nuts and make this with any fresh fruit you have hanging around. All year. All the time. Always.

That right there, friends and celiac countrymen, is a chocolate cherry gluten free cupcake, made from a gluten free devil’s food cake mix by Betty Crocker.

Fact: this is the best cupcake a celiac will ever eat. I swear to God, and it’s the only legit way I can convince you, it tastes exactly like a wheat-y cupcake. Betty Crocker does not f-ck around. And for $2.99 a box it is MILES cheaper and faster than me pulling some together with my gf flour, xantham gum, mismatched measuring spoons and 20 month old wanting to “help.” I added in a few globs of cherry pie filling (DO NOT JUDGE) to each muffin tin and the result was pure f-cking magic in the mouth.

That terrible toothpaste-looking icing is a really tart and lovely cherry butter cream that I made with the leftover pie filling (AGAIN, DO NOT JUDGE), butter and gf icing sugar. It was looking glorious for the first few blasts of the beaters and then I dared to dream and added another glob of cherries. It suddenly separated like my parents in 1986 (ZING) and nothing I did helped. It still tasted really really good but those teeny tiny knobs of butter just took away the full pretty factor. Shame. 

But again, despite the icing flop, this is so goddamn good. Fluffy, light, a little sticky, moist for days and perfectly chocolate-cherry-y, I could eat 12 for dinner and then 12 more for breakfast the next day.

You sweet SWEET ass talker Betty Crocker. Thank you.

Recommended for a fast and delicious dessert for yourself, kids, husband, but mostly you.
Best served on a small delightfully patterned plate, so even the crumbs look great.
Gluten Free Authority rating: a rousing and high kicking 11/10. (CRAZY TALK)

Friday night. Potluck. We ate so well. I made my infamous burgers - (mash up ground pork, finely chopped bacon, 2 eggs, diced onion, quinoa, cilantro & garlic salt and let sit to let the flavours make out before grilling). Serve with cheese, spinach, caramelized onions, mushrooms and 2 squirts of mayo. (Burger salad they called it.)

A tangy potato salad, exploding with dill & vinegared green beans was devoured. Every last bit of fresh simple guacamole was scraped from the bowl.

Then we ate ice cream cones. The regulars had sugar cones. I had mine in a gluten free cone that I’d picked up for a song off a clearance shelf at Save On. It’s been a long time since I ate a cone. I let the ice cream (orange creamsicle - YUP) soak in so the cone was chewy and sweet and just as I remembered.

Laughing until I cried more than once thanks to Cards Against Humanity, watching the kid do a shaman dance after each small lick of ice cream, and great friends who will do my dishes and give great hugs and engage in friendly debates about waiting to poop. It was a great night.